IT'S A LAZY MORNIN'.....

i haven't done anything today yet, other than get dressed and go buy some cigarettes just down the road. yea i smoke. i didn't 8 months ago. now i do. arghh. now i can't put them down. started when ron and i split up. now wish i hadn't picked security doors them up again.
billy's coming home early to go to the eye doctor today. he's gotta have some glasses before getting his license renewed. saturday's his b'day. he'll be 48. march is mine. i'll be 47. can't believe i'm knocking on the door of 50 so soon. i remember wishing to be 16, then 18, then 20. I still wish that. lol. only i'm looking back at it instead of forward. lol.
am trying to figure out how to tell billy i need some space & time to think things through. don't wanna do it on his b'day, but have gotta pick a time to say something about how i'm feeling. i have a counseling appointment in the morning. maybe she'll shed some light on the subject.
i may try to ride this afternoon sometime to get away for a while. need an escape of some kind. wish i could just run away and hide from this mess i've gotten myself into. j
I told the race horse guy...jerry...that i wouldn't be there this morning, that i won't work his yearlings while they're in the barn. it's just too dangerous for me. if they rear up or kick there's nowhere for me to go. he tried to change my mind, but i'm adamant about my safety. i'd rather he bring them here for training, but he won't do that. and i'm not too keen on driving 30 min. every day to his place either. so guess that situation is a wash. *sigh* mama told me when in doubt don't. so i'm not.
well that's it for now. take care. chow for now all. ...........................

MANIC......

been manic today. i hate being bipolar and having a bad day. i get weepy. i hate that. can't concentrate. thinking is like looking through muddy water. the brain just doesn't work the way i need it to. i've been to town twice, wooden doors and both times have not accomplished what i've set out to do.
i hate bein bipolar. it's hard when the mind won't cooperate, and you KNOW it's not working right but there's nothing you can do about it. it's very difficult to function in a normal capacity. therefore i cry. i've tried to get out and function, and i guess considering what little i've done, it's gone alright. I managed to pick up my meds, go to the bank & get my taxes filled out. that's saying a lot when my brain is gone on vacation.
billy keeps talking marriage and i keep putting him off. yes i've got cold feet. don't know what to do about that either.
someone asked me todaay if i miss ronnie. of course i do. i spent 18 yrs with him. how can i not miss him? I wish he'd call and want to come back, but that's never going to happen. he's moved on with sharon. *sigh* all i can do is try to do my best with life as it is now.
well, thats about all for now. have slowed down on the cigs. may be able to quit afterall. TTFN folks.

does any one have any suggestions for song

about confidence or self reliance or about the importance of nature.
its for school and i cant find anything...
thanks sooo much..

<3 valerie

i just watched walk the line.
it would be nice to have a romance like that
when June Carter died in 2003, Johnny Cash Followed 4 month later
he couldnt live without her.

wood door

I meet requirement to undergo how to refinish my wood entry door.?

November 29, 2008 – 8:50 pm

It is not painted.

Sand it gently to vanish every the older closing material, especially if you don’t undergo what the example closing was, if you don’t intend it every soured the newborn closing haw vesicle or crinkle as it haw not be compatable. Don’t smoothen finished the anorectic place of colouration or bactericide or you module be sanding every of that soured to intend an modify colouration finished the newborn closing coat. For entry door, espically unclothed to wetness or light I ingest Yachtsmen Varnish, it’s what they ingest on the wood revilement on boats because it lasts. If you are rattling precocious you crapper spray it, another than that you module hit to applier it on, DO NOT TRY A ROLLER. A insipid opencast is prizewinning and locate it on in applications that are fat sufficiency to move discover the applier marks but not excessive. Put on at diminutive quaternary coats and permit it dry, I stingy parched between coats, you haw requirement to smoothen gently between coats to vanish whatever inperfections, if it isn’t parched it module hair up on the abradant and you module be sanding every that off. One covering a period or it haw be digit life depending on temperature and humidity.